Have Sabr’

Today I learnt something enormous, it is a ‘gigantic’ thing for me as it has given me a huge impact. Often, I tell myself to always be grateful. I realize that when the joy kicks in, I am in my definite happiness. However, when the pain strikes, I will start to grief for a long time even though the pain or calamity is just a simple one. Then again, I kept rethinking the thought, “Am I really a grateful servant?”

Sometimes, I have had days when I had a hard time to put myself to sleep. I kept thinking about the future. I have always wondered about what will the future promises me? And then again, I asked myself “Am I really a grateful servant?” I should have let go of the thoughts that worry me, to Him, The Almighty. He knows what is best to each of His servant.

As I grow up, I can feel that human being is fragile. We have feelings to take care of, we have worries and doubts to control and most and foremost, we have both Imaan and Nafs and these two are the highlight of ourselves. It is a reflection of us. Are we having a high Imaan or are we gulping a bad craving for the Nafs?

           

I have always worried about these two things because as a human being, we are not ma’sum (the name (special gift) given to the chosen anbiya’) I sometimes disregard these two essential things. I have had feelings that I have given them an upright control. However, without me realizing it, they are lost somewhere and it is hard to patch and secure them back. Often, when the damage is done, it is hard to mend it back to its normal state.

            

What I truly learnt about the whole thing that is taking control right now is to be extremely patience and grateful. Patience is a crucial part because in order to be having an extraordinary patience, one needs to have an excellent level of Imaan. One of the things that I am afraid of is, if I am unable to remain patience for everything that takes place.

            

And grateful? Grateful is an everyday word that people used to utter. The utterance is easy but the application is not. It is extremely hard to remain grateful if we are not practicing patience at the very first place. These two are interconnected. Every day, I ask myself “Am I really a grateful servant?” I am afraid of not being one of those because this world is extremely crazy and as a human being, I am absolutely greedy.

            

Today I learnt that it is easier to tell people to always be grateful and remain patience when calamity strikes but when it is happening to us, it is extremely hard to fit in the shoes. To carry the burden, to feel the pain and to think about the various solutions, are actually tiring. Really tiring as it is still unsure and the risk(s) that we need to face is one of the things that count and it contributes to worrying. See the correlation? It starts with having an extreme patience.

            

An extreme patience leads to a state of being grateful. A state of being grateful leads to another step which is an acceptance. Acceptance is the hardest part as it needs a really convincing thought. And looking at all of these all over again, it starts with having an extreme patience upon something that takes place.

            

It seems silly sometimes as we have always asked Allah to give us strength to endure something but we forget to ask Him for an extreme patience to endure things. We feel that strength can cure us, calm us and change us. We are human being, we break down and we become clueless when we failed to come out with better solutions.

            

For whatever things that might come across someday, I am hoping that Allah gives us an extreme patience to be practically practiced in our daily life. This dunya’ is scary and I could not help but to carry the worries of it. However, I know I shall not worry about it as He is up there, watching every bit of the struggle we made in this worldly life. He promises us twice in the Qur'an:

"Surely with difficulty is ease (94:5)

With difficulty surely is ease" (94:6)

So, why do we fear the uncertainties? 

To help ease the worries :)

Hanani Fauzi 

30th January 2018, 4.30 a.m. 

2016

The year of ups and downs. The year where I need to separate with a lot of my friends due to the certain things that took place. The year where I cried a lot and still crying. The year where everything had changed and won't be the same anymore. The year where my family received quite a lot of good news. But most and foremost, this year is the year where He decided to surround a lot of good and nice people around me. Alhamdulillah, for the blessing He gave when I was at my lowest and kind of forgetting the good thing that took place around me.

2016 is all about having extra problems but the solutions He provided, also came in an extra amounts. I don't know how to describe this in words but I am grateful for what I had experienced before in 2016. I know that it is a learning process for me and to adapt in the world that I am currently in now, takes a lot of effort, energy, tears coming down and the mixed emotions and feelings that you will somehow need to face.

The year where I graduated from my diploma and be extra grateful for its final result. The year where I got the opportunity to be a teacher for about a half year long. The year where I got a lot of warm wishes and prayers from my kids. The year where I met a lot of successful yet humble people. I would love to cherish them in my prayers and will always pray that I will always have a chance to visit them when I had the time. 

Alhamdulillah, for the new things that came and new people that I just knew. It's still new and it's still too early to judge. I hope that this new life I have will result in a great end as this will lead me to my next life which is my career and probably up to another level of having my partner around (In Syaa Allah, I need to have a Master and a firm career first hehehehe) Ameeenn. Well, it's not a sin to daydream for a while hahahaha

To be extra honest, I do miss my old life I had in KL before but I know those moments won't come again as everything has changed now. My friends and I have separated in any ways possible. Alhamdulillah, up until now, we are still in contact with each other. Not to really contact everybody each day, but we know what life has been doing for that individual.

As I grow up, I realise that friendship takes effort to maintain and it might be hard to do that when you are away from everyone. My circle might have been small compared to before but I am all good and absorbing all of the positive vibes near me. I learnt that it's always good to have old friends as your support system. I know, they are struggling for their future too. So, to all of my good friends of mine, I wish you all the best and may Allah gives you courage to face everything that you need to face. Ameeeen. We will meet when the time comes. We just need to trust His timing.

As for now, I'm still adapting and struggling in this new environment I chose. I need your kind prayers to pray for my success in here. I aim for the success in both dunya' and akhirah. It sounded cliche, but believe me, we are all living in the cliche world. As a Muslim, we know the end of our day but we are still running towards something that only provide us a temporary happiness (and yes, that includes me too). He knows best, you gotta believe Him for the process :) 
Good bye, 2016!


p/s: I still have two more papers await me for my first final examination in here. Doakan I ace that with flying colors and hati yang tenang masa jawab exam, Ameeeeen. 

 

Till then, 

Hanani Fauzi

Weird Stuff

I was sitting alone, waiting for my turn to change my bank card and update my information for that bank. As I waited patiently, I opened my zipper of my handbag and I took my new book which I’ve bought during the book fest that was held in DK Foyer, month ago. I flipped through few pages and began to read. I need to wait for another hour as the process took a long time and unlucky me, that day was quite chaotic as everybody wants to change their card. I started to read, I am lost in my own world. After 15 minutes of reading, someone slowly approached me and said that he needs to sit next to me. I smiled and made ways for him. I continued reading and after 5 minutes, he started to start the conversation with me.

“ Baca buku apa tu nak?”

Of course, I have some judgement inside of me. He is a stranger and of course I freaked out as I didn’t know him. What if, he is a bad man?

“Ni. Diagnosis”, I replied it with the smiles even though I was scared at that time; while showing him the cover of the book I read.

I continued reading and again, he asked.

“Dah lama ka rabun?”

I nodded my head and said “Ya, pak cik. Kenapa?”

“ Balik amalkan surah …. rendam daun cabai…. pastu minum ayaq tu. Kena berterusan dan yakin. In Syaa Allah, Allah pulihkan.”

I cannot actually remember what the surah (s) are, but I think he said stuff like {surah lazim, Al-Fatihah and selawat and niat mintak Allah get rid of this penyakit} because I was still in shock at that time. I just smiled and he said,

“Balik lah buat. Bagitau mak.”

I replied him with “In Syaa Allah.”

I closed my book as it is quite inappropriate for me to read and that uncle was giving me the words of advice. We were in silence for a while until he asked.

“Selalu sakit kepala? Pak cik tengok muka anak ni macam cepat sangat susah hati kat perkara yang tak penting.”

I went speechless all the way to answer him. I put a smile on that question. My heart was beating; how can he possibly knows that I am having a problem now. My facial expression changed and that uncle started to give me the words of advice. He’s been touching about a lot of things. He gave me a lot of advises and I couldn’t explain it by words, on how lucky am I. Indeed, you cross path with someone for a reason.

As for me, this is not a first time. For this year, it’s actually my third time experiencing this. The first time happened in Tesco. I was waiting for a good friend of mine. I was messed up at that time. I did not get Medsi interview. It is an examination that one needs to take before going for an interview for any educational related studies. Of course, I was frustrated at that time. It’s happening on Ramadhan this year and few of my close friends know how messed up am I at that time.  Back to the story, as I waited for my dear friend to come, I seated at the food court. There’s this one old man, sat next to me at a different table. At that kind of age, he reminded me a lot to my late grandfather.

I seated alone, scrolling through my phone with the mixture of feelings and emotions. He witnessed that facial expression of mine…. It is frequently changed and then I can feel that this tokwan was looking at me. I smiled at him and he asked “Orang mana?” and the rest is history. That conversation was not that long but somehow the impact given is still sticking with me.

My second time of experiencing this happened during Ramadhan as well. I would glad to say that this Ramadhan was a turning point for me. I met a lot of characters in the mosque, mingling around with the ‘qariah’ around my home and it brings a lot of memorable experiences for me. I have my personal favourite place in the mosque where I came and performed my solat sunat first. There’s this one day, came this one nenek, she sat next to me and smiled at me. She reminded me a lot of my late grandmother. After I have finished performing my solat, I shook her hand. She smiled and replied it with a forehead kiss. For someone whom been longing a forehead kiss from both of my late grandparents’, I felt bless at that time. We began to talk and after that night, she has been my partner while in the saf. She told me a lot of things and I learnt a lot from her. The sad thing is, I don’t know what had happened to her now. I wish to see her again next year, if Allah permits that.

It was a lie if I said that I didn’t miss both of my grandparents’ from the both sides of my family. This Ramadhan felt so weird but bless. I lost one of my atuk saudara a week before the Ramadhan ended. It was one of the tragic loss in my family. But, I believe in a power of ‘Kun Fa Ya Kun’.

I went to my aunt’s home a few days before I left home for USM. She knows how I’ve been longing for that unis. When I was about to leave, she hugged me and she said stuff like ‘belajar elok elok’ and etc.

‘Tiap tiap hari dalam sujud, kat tempat aunt mengaji, lepas habeh semayang, aunt doakan kamu sebab kamu selalu cakap kamu nak masuk situ sebab dekat dengan parents, kamu dah tak mau dok jauh macam dulu so that jadi apa senang nak balik. Hari hari aunt mintak Allah permudahkan untuk kamu. Niat kamu baik, aunt tau Allah akan bagi.’

One thing that touch my entire heart and I was about to burst at that time but my mom was there so I’m holding that. At that time, I started to realize that it’s not always about my prayers. When you do good things and express what you want with your sincere heart, Allah will surely help you.

I took a long day thinking why these kind of things happening to me. At the end of the day, I started to realize that I always ask Him to guide me and He is sending these kind of people as a guidance for me. I know whomever that might cross path with me is actually teaching me something, even though they are just strangers.

I have never imagined that I would be this kind of thinker during my age. Experiences do a lot of changes in me. I am now in a process of searching for myself. Every experience that Allah has let you in, there must be lie something beneath that. I feel like giving up in here, but I know He’s planning something good for me. I know he must have been putting me, close to that person for a reason.

“You are exactly where Allah wants you to be right now. Every experience is part of his divine plan.”

Degree Syndromes

Future is surely a thing now! Nope, it’s not a normal thing but it is a very serious thing. I’ve been thinking about what life going to promise me in the next 3 to 4 years. It’s not that I’m having a trust issue with myself but one thing for sure is I can’t stop thinking about it even though I’m trying my best to forget it. 

Being a teacher for a month now have open my mind and soul on how hard it is, to be an educator. It is indeed true that you are like your students’ hands and foot, their sisters, parents and most and foremost, you are their trusted one. Sometimes in class and they are not in a good condition, they will cry for you, upon assembly and they can’t find their line, they will come to you. During recess and if their food scattered around, they will quickly come to you. Yes, that’s how the kids are. They have varieties of behaviors. 

But, some things that you don’t realize, you will love how clingy they are as they need your attention. I love to teach pupils but I am not sure myself if this is a right way. Now that I’m going to finish this soon, I don’t have a clear path yet. I’m quite torn with variety of courses, universities and sorts. 

To be living in this sickly economical years and you need to face the mixture of political thingy with educational stuff is not one of the best thing that someone could wish. 

I know it’s going to be very hard soon, so it’s okay to be real worried about the future. I know this kind of degree and future stuff started to hit me real hard when I was having an awkward conversations with my parents. Ya ka awkward? Ntah, might be. Well, let’s that stay between me and them. I’m not going to let them down, twice. Mixture of feeling came and I started to lose myself.

But, one thing that have come to my realization is, 
“Future is always scary. No matter how old you are, you will never know your ending. But, that’s how life is. It is full of surprises.”

Some of the responses that I have gotten and wanted to share them all 

“Toksahlah dok pikiaq. Hang dah lulus dah pun. Hahahah so chill. Nak perfect semua pun mana buleh cek oi, that’s how life works.”

“Awat dok kata lagu tu. Rezeki luas. Tak cuba mana kita nak tau. In Shaa Allah okay semuanya.”

“Bila kita mengajar, kita akan nampak diri kita kat students kita. So helping them is the same as helping yourself.Basically it’s a reflection of yourself.”

 “Baru seronok hidup ada turun naik. Kalau happy manjang kita takdak pengalaman.”

“Tak yah fikir lagi. Tuhan kan ada. Buat apa persoalkan benda future.”

 “You're nearly there. Tak lama lagi nak abis dah dan grad. Nowadays, as long as you have diploma, you can go to explore the career opportunities dah. Degree doesn’t promise anything. Hard work does.”

" Tapi, keep your options wide, have back up options, other than english courses, explore more"

"Course apa pun sekarang sama je susah dapat kerja. Belajar kerana ilmu bukan kerana nak cari kerja."

Countless of  good words have been received by me  from quite a favorite persons. Their words sometimes heal the overthinking and sorts. All in all, it is okay to be afraid but you must do something to correct it and make it better. May Allah ease everything for all of us! 

p/s : And i'm still struggling to find a clear path for my future 

Maxisegar Warriors

It saddens me a bit that 11 of us are going to separate very soon. We are going through the practicum stuffs in just a few weeks. Time surely flies as we’ve been knowing each other for almost 3 years now. We’ve been placing everywhere for our practicum next year. Scattering to the environment with several of new people will never be easy. Ampang, Putrajaya, Cheras, Kajang and etc,etc, you just name it… 

In Shaa Allah, I’m going to cherish each and every one of you in my everyday prayers. Maybe He is putting us away for a good reason. We are so going to spend time together, for at least once a month. I don’t mind driving back and forth to your place as long as I can meet all of you. Hmm..the fact that the 11 of us are not staying together anymore next year, hurt me a little. We might not own the same lifestyle and happiness that we’ve shared before in a previous years. The struggle to face that is real. 

There are lots of remembrances that we’ve created together throughout the years we’ve been spending together. I did a lot of cool things with them like; pranking others, make a joke/parody about something, crazy food hunting, and other stupid yet funny and a little bit considered as smart things that were so great and suit everyone. Wowwww damn, that’s good old time. There’s a lot………and we are all went insane sometimes.Words can’t describe how hard it’s going to be… Well, I dislike the ending because it’s always ended up frustrate me. 

So, at the end of the day, people will leave. It doesn’t matter on how long you’ve been knowing them as some things or people that befall not to be with you, won’t be with you even if you have put a lot of effort in that.

My last words for all of you is “Be a good teacher. May Allah ease us all and may the odds will always be in our favor.” I have a great girl’s group over here and I’m proud with each and every one of them. There’s always a hidden story behind everyone background and so do them. Till then, take care my Maxisegar Warriors. 

I’m leaving all of you with Quote of the Month:‘Everything that happened in this world is called as aturan Tuhan. That’s why lah “Kita hanya merancang but Allah yang menentukan dan sebaik-baik perancangan” tu exist. It’s exist for this kind of reason.’

Lots of love,

Hanani Fauzi 

12/8/2015, 23:38 p.m. 

Clean and fresh

So, yessss this is a new blog of me. I have deleted my recent blog because I wanted some fresh and new ideas of writing. I'm not going to promise anything about this blog but i'll try my best to make it alive. This blog doesn't have any specific theme yet and i don't want it to have one. I wanted it to be just natural and depends on my mood actually. Phewwwww that was a long lecture I guess. See you in the next post!